Should “family by blood” always be considered the only true family?

Angliski, Padomi

by Zane Ozoliņa

Growing up, I was taught by my mother that I always have to stand up for myself, no matter the situation— whether it would be a conflict, a misunderstanding with my friends at the kindergarten, or a fight with my cousin at family celebrations. But why is it then when I stand up for myself, when my own family is against me, that I am the bad one, the terrible child who disrespects her family members? Almost the black sheep of the clan? I’ve come to a conclusion that adults teach you to stand up for yourself and fight for what you believe in — but that is until your belief is different from what they believe in.

In a toxic family system, the black sheep is often just the person who sees through everyone else’s lies and fakeness. Let’s get out of the habit of telling people, “well that’s still your mom.” “That’s still your cousin or brother.” “They are still your grandparents.” “You should love and be thankful for them.” Toxic is toxic — whether it is a family or not, we are allowed to walk away from people who hurt us. Some of them, especially older ones, just can’t seem to understand when younger ones are willing to cut a whole relative off. They have lived their entire lives in guilt or based on some sense of loyalty to someone based on blood. Sometimes I want to say: “I don’t hate you. I have just lost respect for you a long time ago, and I have nothing left to say to you anymore.” But then again, if I ever had the courage to say that, I would possibly receive a lecture on why “you shouldn’t talk to your own family like that.”

Of course, at times people will try to turn their problem or the bad thing they did around, so that they could blame you. Sometimes they’ll even try to say that you should feel guilty. There have been situations where people try to blame me for something they did, and when I then stand up for myself, tell them that it hurts when they try to put the guilt on me, they say that they actually didn’t mean it, that it was just a joke, and that I shouldn’t fake being so hurt by their words. But what kind of a family makes cruel jokes about their closest? The people they should cherish the most? American stand-up comedian Louis C.K. once said, “when someone tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.”

When I cross paths with people who have hurt me, it usually turns out to be my “family by blood.” In the past couple of months, with the help of my therapist and best friend, I have realized that my relatives may not always be my real family. Because family is the people you love, and those who love you back, the people who care about you, those who don’t try and bring you down like a sinking ship. Family is the people in your life who want you in theirs. Family is the feeling of a warm cup of cocoa on a cold winter morning, it is the feeling you get when sitting by the fireplace at Christmas, it is the smell of magnolias and the view of sunflower fields, it is the warm feeling of your best friend when they hug you, it is crying together with your best friend when your favourite movie character dies. It also could be your favourite actor or singer, or even a song, no matter how ridiculous the sound of it may be.

Michigan State University scholars have analyzed answers to surveys that included relationships with friends and family. The study showed that long-term happiness is far more dependent on friendships than family relationships. My chosen family will always be more important to me than my “family by blood,” because blood doesn’t choose my family; I do.

Of course, some people get lucky with their “family by blood,” but some don’t, and I think that’s why the ones who didn’t have a happy childhood or happy teenage years try and do their best with their own children. Because family isn’t your DNA, it’s not some ridiculous beliefs that people before you have made. As children, many of us have been taught that your mother and father, your grandparents, your relatives overall should come first — before your best friends, close acquaintances, and sometimes, unfortunately, even yourself!

But those friends, those close acquaintances, they still don’t turn their back on me — even when things aren’t great. And I think that is family; those who see you at your worst and help to build yourself back up. Those people who live through the sad and the bad together with you — those who are happy for your joy and good times.

Those are the people that I want in my life, and they are the ones that I will call my family. And no, I don’t think that “family by blood” should always be considered the only family you can have, because blood makes you related, but loyalty, trust and love makes you family.

Atbildēt